


i had all and then most of you (some and now none of you)

by closingdoors



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Space Wives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 09:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16490114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: River's gasping a little when she pulls away."My gods, I thought your past selves were a handful."





	i had all and then most of you (some and now none of you)

I had all and then most of you  
Some and now none of you  
Take me back to the night we met  
I don't know what I'm supposed to do  
Haunted by the ghost of you  
Take me back to the night we met

 **The Night We Met, Lord Huron**  


* * *

 

 

With her hands on her hips, The Doctor assesses the console room. Her companions - fam? gang? - have made their way through the myriad of hallways and to their bedrooms. Leaving her alone and  _bored_ while they sleep. She often wonders why she chooses to travel with a species that spends a third of its life asleep. Her hands itch to mess with the controls anyway, to send them to some far-flung corner of the universe where they'll choose adventure over sleep, but she knows Graham would only complain. 

Sighing, she presses the pedal and eats her tenth custard cream since her new best friends went to bed. The TARDIS nudges at the edges of her brain, something warm, and The Doctor affectionately pats the console. At least her ship is always there for her.

"Did you need a moment alone?"

The Doctor stops, her lips parting. She doesn't dare turn around. She  _knows_ that voice, even if it's one of the first things that started to seep from her memory. After all, it's been years. Hundreds. She remembers faces, actions, but the voice is always the thing she forgets about all of them first. 

"Really, sweetie, you're going to play coy now?"

It'd been like this before. When her eleventh incarnation had been haunted by River's ghost. Back then, it'd taken her months to even gather the courage to look  _through_ her, let alone acknowledge River was there. River had taken it all in her stride, though. Confident as ever. A shining beacon of beauty and sharp wit. It'd been almost impossible not to see her, even if she had simply been an echo. 

"It's okay," River murmurs, and this time the voice is closer. The Doctor feels her skin prickle with goosebumps. "I know you can see me."

The Doctor turns and finds River no less than a foot away. Her breath catches. She's the same as before - the same white clothing, the same endless hair, the same devious smile - yet this time there's no sadness in her eyes. Something like delight sparkles in them.

"I'm sorry, my love, but once I found you'd regenerated into a woman..." River grins. "Well, one simply had to see it."

The Doctor's feet propel her forwards without her permission. Her hands are everywhere. Moulding around elbows, ghosting over the curve of her waist, sliding deep into the tangle of her curls. For all the work she'd put into grieving her wife, putting a wall up brick by brick to forget the feeling, it comes bursting forwards now. Her hearts thud against her ribs. It's not just grief, though. It's relief. She'd wondered what her wife would think of her, in this body, after all of her bodies River had loved before. She's wanted the smile on her wife's lips. The familiar acceptance. She wants - 

The Doctor kisses River and her mind falls silent.  _Yes. This._

River lets out a squeak of surprise she's never heard before. Her hands ball into fists in River's hair, tugging a little, bringing forward knowledge she thought she'd never have use for again. It works. River presses closer to her, all curves and heat and  _time,_ and there's feelings bubbling inside The Doctor that are familiar and unfamiliar. Reactions from her body that she understands in theory but has never felt before. She  _wants._

Her last body hadn't been like this. Her last body had been content to simply be near River, to experience her presence. The rest had just been an added bonus. But this body - this body wants and  _needs -_

River pulls away from her with a laugh, even as The Doctor slips her hands from her hair to curl around her body and drag her back. 

"Sweetie," she says affectionately, dodging a kiss, which The Doctor ends up planting on her cheek. "Stop."

"Why?"

The Doctor catches her lips with another kiss. There's something different about kissing River in this body. Softer, but - oh! The angle. She's shorter than River now, only a little, but it's a far cry from her past bodies. 

River's gasping a little when she pulls away this time.

"My gods, I thought your past selves were a handful."

"Like it, then?"

River's eyes gleam with mischief. "I don't think you need me to answer that one."

This is the first and only thing to make The Doctor stop. She keeps her arms curled around River and stares into eyes she'd started to forget the colour of.

"I do," The Doctor says, "need you - to answer, I mean."

River slips her hands beneath The Doctor's coat and tugs on her braces, letting them ping back against her chest.

"I think you're the same you I've always loved," she answers simply. Then she grins. "What I  _do_ like is that I'm stronger than you now."

River pins her wrists against the console. The Doctor sighs, pressing her forehead against her wife's.

"You've always been stronger than me, River Song."

River's breath catches. The Doctor watches her carefully. Her wife swallows and slips away from her. She watches as River pads around the console room, studying the redecoration. The colours are warmer than its previous silver. For a moment, she almost forgets where she is, that she isn't world and time away in a different console room, in amber light with the Ponds and River. 

"C'mere," she murmurs, still wanting.

River glances at her over her shoulder.

"You know, there are other ways you could relieve this... frustration," River says with a slow gaze perusing The Doctor's body. "Honestly, sweetie, you never change."

"What are you talking about?"

River quirks an eyebrow.

"You've brought a whole team of them on board this time, yet you always make sure one of them is a pretty young little thing. Don't pretend you haven't noticed."

The Doctor feels her face growing hot. "Dunno what you mean."

"Yes, you do."

"Well, yeah, but Yaz is - she's - "

"She's what?"

"She's Yaz!" The Doctor splutters, certain she's glowing like a beetroot now. "Anyway, what does that have to do with frustration?"

River throws her head back with a laugh.

"You're as naïve as ever, my love."

"I wouldn't be with you around."

River stops her exploration of the room on the other side of the console. She stares at The Doctor sadly, and The Doctor already knows what she's going to say, so she rounds the console to her wife. Her coat billows billows behind her, makes a little more confident as she traps River between her body and the console.  _This_ is familiar, even if her body is different, even if the console is too. She wonders how many times she's kissed River like this. She kisses her again just to add to the sum. Because she tastes like time ending and timelessness at the same time. Because this time is stolen, so these kisses are too.

"Go on. Just one more trip," The Doctor says. River squirms, but she places her hands either side of River's hips, keeping her in place. "One more adventure. You and me." 

"We've already had our time, Doctor," River murmurs. She rests a hand against her cheek. "I'm just an echo, remember?" 

"Yeah, well, I was having a rough day when I said that. But not anymore! I don't think this me knows how to have a bad day. Haven't had one yet. Better not start now." 

"Sweetie," River says affectionately, tucking a strand of hair beneath her ear. "I'm just passing through. I just wanted one last look."

"Who says how long that look has to be, hm? Remember Darillium? The nights were twenty-four years! We could have twenty-four more years, River."

"For what, Doctor? Twenty-four more years of you talking to a ghost nobody else can see?"

"I talk to myself all the time. They wouldn't bat an eyelid."

"Doctor." This time, River's voice is stern. "I'm already dead."

The Doctor drops her forehead to River's shoulder. She feels her hand run through her hair and then cup the back of her neck. This body welcomes the feeling. Revels in it. What a waste.

"Before you go," she says into the silence, "didn't you say something about frustration?"

 

* * *

 

 

When she leads River into her bedroom, she watches her carefully. It may have been years, hundreds of years, since they were last in here together but it's virtually unchanged. The only new addition being the rug Bill had bought her. There's River's diary too, sitting on the bookshelf beside her own. Centuries of history trapped between their pages.

River blinks, and for a moment The Doctor thinks there are tears, but then they're gone. Trick of the light. 

River kisses her this time, shutting the door behind them. The Doctor's coat slips off of her shoulders. Then River's fingers are curling around her braces again, tugging her towards the bed, and it's so familiar that The Doctor can feel her throat beginning to burn with tears. She lets River drag her down to the mattress.

She lets herself love the past.

 

* * *

 

 

Some time after, when she's feeling lazy and lethargic in ways she hasn't in a  _long_ time, The Doctor watches River slip their diaries from her bookshelf. Naked and unashamed, River glances at her briefly, where she watches her from beneath the sheets, propped up on one elbow. Instead of slipping back beneath the covers, River sits on the edge of the bed. River sets her worn and dog-eared diary by her side and cracks open The Doctor's. For a moment she considers stopping her - like River would listen to her anyway - but it's a passing moment. After all, she has the words of River's diary ingrained in her mind, even if she's lived the memories herself. There's something about seeing it through River's words, River's eyes, that makes it special. To know that there were both good and bad times, yet River never hated her for it. Simply loved her. Especially when she didn't deserve to be loved.

River's lips quirk when she begins to read. The Doctor didn't write her diary in English, but in Gallifreyan. The memories, her words - they're private. For their eyes only. The universe can tell their stories all they like. But the truth, the real truth of their marriage, that's theirs to keep.

As River flicks through the pages, The Doctor shuffles forward, so that she can play with her curls. They bounce and twist just as they did when she was alive. The perfect replica. She's spent hours, days - weeks, possibly - studying her hair. It's always been something that's drawn her towards her wife. One feature among many that makes her stand out among the crowds.

River stops at a certain passage, her fingers tracing over the circles and swirls on the page. The Doctor sweeps her hair to the side to press a kiss against her shoulder. 

"If it's any consolation, Doctor, I don't think I would've cared for it."

The Doctor glances at the passage. Shortly after she'd saved Gallifrey. Ruminating on what it would've been like to share her home planet with River, if only she could've found the planet in time. 

"I know," The Doctor concedes. She imagines River under that red sky anyway. The light captured in her hair.

They stay like that until River finishes reading. At the end, River stares at the page of the journal, completely blank.

"Your diary isn't full," she states.

The Doctor slips it from River's grasp. 

"I always had hope," she admits.

River pushes the journals to the side, pushing her back down onto the mattress again. It's easier than saying the words they both feel. Her body pushes up, still wanting even though she's spent, and River gives.

This is what's worth it, The Doctor thinks. A life so long - full of grief and loss and tragedy. These moments are what make it all worthwhile.

 

* * *

 

  
They find an old bowtie of hers discarded on the floor hours after. The Doctor's slipping it around their hands without a second thought. There are no witnesses, and they've gotten married on at least seventy different planets during their time together, but she still wants a wedding in this body. Even if it's just the two of them. Even if it isn't official. She whispers her real name into River's ear, though her wife knows it already, because it's been too long since anyone has  _known._

Their silk-tied hands fall between them when River drags her lips across The Doctor's cheek, in a sure path towards her lips, sealing the marriage with that same name whispered in return.  


* * *

 

River runs her hands along the walls as they slowly make their way back through to the console room. River has always regarded her ship with such reverence. It's a connection The Doctor has always been enamoured with. Something she hadn't realised she's missed. 

As always, River pilots her TARDIS better than she does, though she'll never admit it, no matter how much River needles her about it. With the both of them driving, her ship flies smoothly. No chance of waking the gang up. She doesn't think she's ready to put on a brave face for them yet. Not when the ship lands and the finality hits her. It reminds her too much of Darillium. How the towers had sang as River had disappeared from view.

The Library has patrons this time round. One couple are sat, heads pressed together, reading the same book. The Doctor finds herself threading her fingers through River's before she can think about it. Weird. She hadn't thought she was much of a hand-holder this time around. When she glances at her wife, she's smiling, a small thing she tries to hide. The Doctor bumps her hip against hers so that River turns to her and she can see it properly. 

 _One last smile,_ she thinks, and then, because she can, she steals River to the side, pressing her up against the books on the shelves.  _One last kiss._

Her wife has tears in her eyes when she pulls away. River cups her cheeks.

"You're still you, Doctor. It doesn't matter what face you wear. You're still you," River tells her, carding a hand through her hair. Then, quietly, she adds: "Still mine."

"Yeah," The Doctor agrees quietly.

CAL looks the same as she had the first time she'd been here. Over a millennium ago. The little girl greets her with a kind smile. River's fingers begin to slip from hers. 

"Thank you," The Doctor finds herself saying. A feeling she can only label as Time claws at her chest. "For coming to see me. How about you visit the next face too?"

River shakes her head. "This is it, my love. Though I've seen all your faces now I've read everything in The Library. I've even read about adventures you haven't been on."

"Spoilers."

The word cracks in two on her tongue.

River presses their foreheads together. The Doctor closes her eyes. And there it is again - that familiar warm feeling, brushing against the back of her mind. She realises belatedly that it hadn't been the TARDIS before, but River. 

"That's my word, sweetie," River whispers.

When she opens her eyes again, River's gone. 

Grief tries to drag her down. She keeps standing. Thinks about what she'd told her gang -  _I carry them with me._

"CAL. River Song's status?"

"River Song has been deleted." 

 _Not really,_ she thinks. But it hurts all the same.

 

* * *

 

 

The Doctor's milling around in the R - S section three hours after, trying and failing to read the words on all the books' spines. Her eyes gloss over and she hears River's voice in the back of her mind. Her laugh. Closes her eyes and thinks about the way she looked. How she never failed to surprise her. What she would think of her now, wandering aimlessly in a library without a ghost to haunt her.

"Doctor!"

The Doctor twists around and finds Yaz walking towards her, looking relieved. 

"There you are. We've been looking for you everywhere."

"I thought you were all asleep."

Yaz crosses her arms. "Yeah, and then we woke up. _Tw_ _o hours ago._ Anyway, what is this place? It's massive."

Her companion looks around, at the endless bookshelves, the high decorated ceilings, with a grin on her face. There's the same wide-eyed look of wonder that they all get shining out at her. The Doctor wants to look away because it  _hurts,_ because River once looked like that, because there was a time when she could have adventures and affairs and run with other people but always knew River would be there in the end. And now she isn't, and every new beautiful face that turns her head is just another step away from River.

But she keeps her gaze firmly fixed on Yaz.

"The Library. Biggest one in the universe. You like it?"

"It's wonderful," Yaz gushes. "But what are  _you_ doing here? I didn't think you'd have much time to read."

"Ah, well, you know. I met my wife here. Special place, I guess," she says, trailing her fingers over the spine of a book.

Yaz's eyebrows raise

"You're married?"

"Yeah. I was. Well, I still am, but she's - " 

She can't say it. Because River Song doesn't  _feel_ dead. River Song had lived her life to the full, in some ways that makes The Doctor blush to think about. Her name lives on in stories. In books and journals and diaries. In history. She's infinite. She's just not by her side anymore.

"I'm sorry," Yaz says. "Do you wanna be alone?" 

The Doctor shakes herself out of it.

"Nah. Rubbish being alone, isn't it?" 

Yaz smiles. "Yeah. It is a bit."

The Doctor links her arm through Yaz's, tugging her out of the row of shelves and towards the TARDIS. Yaz lets her, a little bemused as she does.

"Now, where to next? I was thinking Space Florida. Always wanted to go, always ended up at the wrong place."

"Yeah, cos you don't know how to fly your own ship."

"Oi! I do too!"

Graham and Ryan meet them by the TARDIS, Graham complaining loudly about being hungry, and she lets go of Yaz as she feels something warm in the inside of her coat pocket. Her companions step on to the ship but The Doctor roots around in her pockets - cluttered already - and pulls out the source of the heat. Her psychic paper.

Hearts beating furiously, she flips it open, and finds co-ordinates. Signed with a kiss.

"Space Florida," she murmurs, grinning down at the co-ordinates, and blows a final kiss into the air for her wife before she steps into her new adventure.

 

 

 


End file.
